Dear Prime Minister,
I am aware that it has been some time. My time up until recently has rarely been my own, divided between the my children and sleep, but now I have time and you leave me somewhat exasperated. I will share with you why.
It was almost 16 years ago I met a charming man. Our relationship was exciting, consuming and obsessive. We married and along came Bea and Margi. Soon the passion that we once shared became my agony, slowly diminishing on his departure. I was left to bring up Bea and Margi, who was due to be born, alone. If he’d let me expose a my heart it would have surely been broken. But my heart, along with my dignity and some money remained hidden away. He’d lived off me like a parasite and when he knew that this was soon to end he moved on to exploit another. A regular pattern that he continues to maintain. As a result I was left heavily pregnant, depleted emotionally, physically and financially. Soon to give birth. I worked until they admitted me into hospital to induce my labour, the preciousness of two lives in jeopardy. Margi was born and we were safe. Her father did not come to see her until she was five days old, stayed briefly and took with him a camera full of photos of the joyful occasion. Fortunately there is a happy ending to this, for now. I rebuilt my strength, nurturing a determined and contented family. Just the three of us, Bea, Margi and me.
My ex-husband disappeared, left me to deal with his creditors who soon learnt to leave me alone. He went abroad, his last conversation included how pointless it would be me contacting the CSA as he would no longer be in the country. He contributed very little to the children emotionally and nothing financially. And yet the few times he saw them he would tell them how he loved them. He is back in the UK and has been for several years. He has asked to see the children, I have said no. Not until he starts to demonstrate his commitment to them — he must send them letters, then he can speak to them and then he can see them. He would need to rebuild his relationship with them, this would take time but in order to emotionally protect the children it seemed the most reasonable way. That was 6 months ago, I have not heard from him since.
Margi will ask “Does my dad love me?”. I cannot lie. “If a man cannot love himself he cannot love another” I tell her.
Margi told her fathers brother a few weeks ago “I do not have a dad”. Neither of us corrected her.
And so I turn to you and your paternalistic government. You see I am an independent woman, a single parent, a divorcee. All the things that I perceive that you deplore. I failed to mention that I also worked for the NHS. But like my husband you start to take from me. You want more deploying your parasitical tendencies. The pressure of working for the NHS, my strong code of ethics, and caring for two children, one with a disability with little help resulted with me deciding to stop work for a while. Take some time off and improve the quality of our lives. So I left my job and am in a fortunate enough position to only claim disability benefits for my daughter and her care and not to rely on the state for anything else. At the moment. I was also encouraged to apply for child maintenance through the CSA. Something I had previously considered but as I was financially secure and wasn’t sure of the repercussions had shied away from it. This time I decided to go ahead, assisted by the fact that the CSA made the contact. I gave them all the information that I had, his National Insurance number and a run of mobile numbers. That was it. That was three months ago. I have not heard from them since.
You tell me that you are going to cap the benefits of people out of work, deprive their children of finances that they may need. But what additional help do you offer? How do you support the “work shy” parents to engage into work. But no, you deprive them and say it is fair. That it’s the fault of the labour government that it has come to this. You are in control and you will control our finances. What does this say to the children?
You tell me that if I work and if I earn over a certain amount you will stop my children’s child benefits, regardless of the household. As a single parent it would only be mine, and yet it seems fair that a married couple who could both earn just under the threshold would continue to have their children’s benefit granted to them, like a good father would bestow his favoured son with gifts. Rewarding them for their marriage, willingly making me feel like I have failed in some way. What does this say to the children?
You tell me that as I have a disabled child who receives middle rate Disability Living Allowance though qualifies for additional help with getting around that she will have her benefit reduced. The financial costs of bringing up a disabled child are far greater than a child without these needs. Bea is 14 and requires a sitter to be with her at all times if I am not around. She will never go without, it will be the family that does. What does this say to the children?
And then you tell me that in order to claim some maintenance from an ex-husband that remains elusive and refuses to offer any financial support towards his children that I must pay. An ex-husband that left his wife and children owing money to the family, the friends, the neighbours, the bailiff. When the children last saw him he was driving a BMW. He has fun, he laughs, he drinks, he smokes he has women to pay for his every need and if they don’t he will take their money regardless. And you tell me that I must pay to request that my children’s father contribute to their upkeep. I must pay with money that would buy my children shoes for school, food to eat, clothes to keep them warm. What does this say to the children? What does this say to MY children?
